Author Archives: Zèbr'ilona

You are no longer welcome.

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I know you. You have been around for so long, in my every day life for years now.
And I hated you, so much, you ugly torturer, so mean to me. Holding me back in fear and misery. Hurting me to the point life seemed to be worthless. I just wanted to leave, to give up.
And I loved you, so much, you little broken thing, so much in pain. Your head so often ready to explode , your body shaking, every heart beat punching your chest like a hammer, rivers rolling out of your eyes. I just wanted to protect you, to fill your emptiness with love.
Living without you seemed impossible. How life could function without you, I know you so well.
Yes I know you. I know you because you are a part of me. You are my dear monster, hiding in a corner of my heart.
Today you came to me. I was lying there, enjoying my self silently and you hit me with surprise. But today was different. You came to say goodbye. « It’s time » you said. Breathless, I felt like  something was pulled out of me, black smoke coming out of my skin.
Packing up, ready to leave with all your boxes of pain and grief I started to feel relieved. Relieved and sad at the same time. Goodbyes are not easy.
I love you, I always did. But today, you are no longer welcome.
The sun rises, a new age is coming, lighter, simpler. I can guarantee that the corner you left empty will be filled every day with love, joy and peace.

A question of luck

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I didn’t have an easy life but always thought I had not much to complain, that I was lucky for so many different reasons. At some point past was past and life seemed to give me a rest, a peaceful and blissful time. Maybe I was rewarded to be always positive and to always try to be a better person whatever happened. I started to have faith. You have the power to change yourself and your world! You are protected and guided! « To succeed we must first think than we can. Deep and profound changes and blessings await you as you freely give your energy to help others »! I believed in all that but now I wonder.. how do you do when you have no energy left ? When you realized that storms are coming again and again and will always do? And that being honest, respectful, kind, generous is not helping anything or anyone, not even yourself ? How long can you keep hope that life will give you back?
It’s quite funny how you can be taught than the worst is never necessarily behind you! You can let go of past, anger, regrets or worries as much as you want, it might give you some peace of mind but won’t change anything of tomorrow’s shit. Digging endlessly through stones and roots and having someone telling you « if you have blisters all over your hands, pee on it and keep going ». That’s pretty much how I picture life at the moment.
We are so tiny in the universe and we, human race are just a second in the universe’s life. So put your ego down, you have no way to make a difference.
In relation to that one thing keep giving me energy and lust for life, no one can have total power on us. You are born free. So please, give you all the chances to realized your dreams because life is not going to serve you these on a plate and if it does, believe me, it’s just a question of luck.

Where am I?

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I sat on this plane for so long I lost all notions of time or space. I felt like drowning in a smooth and fluffy cloud. I am everywhere and nowhere. I am the past and the future. I am now. I could be sad because I left, I could be excited because I’m coming and I don’t know if I feel a mixture of these emotions or if my mind is just empty of everything, blank and quiet , enjoying this forced lazy day on a flying chair, waiting patiently to see what will come next.
Someone told me his favorite time on a plane was when you land and get off. Up to now I never noticed, focused on my favorite moment: the endless sitting flying in between time and space.
But this time when I stepped out I understood: the rush of excitement, heart beating heavily and everyone in a hurry to go out as if air was missing! All my senses are now ready to catch any information that would answer the most important question: where am I?

The fresh air on my face feels good like a nice air conditioned room. Except I’m outside and never hot or sweaty anymore! Even though I enjoy very much this change of weather my frozen nose and toes don’t believe my version of the story and are much happier with a tons of clothes on!

Where am I? The language of this country is strange, the [rr] resonates in my throat like a purring cat. I can understand everything so easily I feel like listening the private conversations of all the people I cross in the street and some weird sentences stay stuck in my mind: “…mais c’est Chouchou qui l’a…” (That’s Chouchou who’ve got it); “…encore 5 ans sans salaire!…” (Still 5 years without a pay). People say I have an accent and an English way of speaking; I still have some problems to find the right words and can’t believe “tancarville” is the one for “drying rack” (could it be a joke?).

Where am I? They drive on the wrong side of the road! That’s pretty confusing and dangerous! You can imagine my surprise when I saw cars coming in front of me! Same with the shuffled keyboard which doesn’t help to type this article!

However, there is a change I don’t mind and am really happy about: the food! A palette of new tastes to make my meals colorful! Country of comfort food, no way to be moody or cold after dinner! The best of it? Food is as well a great daily topic of conversation: we all share stories, ideas and tips about it! I found particularly amusing to see the locals staring in amazement at the “boulangerie” window (bread shop) even though they visit it every day . A behavior I clearly understand when I have a taste of their “croissant” or “baguette”!

Everything around me looks pretty familiar, feeling of “déjà-vu” at every corner even if I’m still stupefied of every detail I cross on my way. I think I know where I am. I am in my own country! I grew up here, I spent long time here… I’m in France! And who am I? I’m a traveler, discovering treasures of life… Anywhere, anytime!

God bless you

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In Nepal one of the first question people would ask you is « What is your religion? ». Sometimes with travellers or western people you have to answer to the question « Do you believe in God? ». When you answer to the first question by « I have no religion », you feel embarrassed or guilty because you are in a place where everyone belong to Hinduism, Buddhism or Christianism. For me the funny thing is when I feel the same when my heart want to answer « Yes, I believe in God » to someone coming from a place where you have been taught in science lessons that there is a logical reason to explain everything from our world.
Let’s make the things clear. During this journey witch is mine I finally understood what spirituality is about. For me spirituality is the fusion of philosophy and religion.
Philosophy is when you look for answers, when you try to find a meaning to your life. On the other hand, religion is when you give up on having a meaning. Rituals are out of meaning, you do it because it has to be done. God is the only reason for everything, It is the only one to have the answers but God doesn’t give answers, God gives only love. On your way to learn to love yourself, you learn to love God. Loving yourself is loving God because God is everywhere and God is with you, in you. It brings light into your heart. When you finally stop to fight against yourself, when you finally let go, everything seems clearer and easier. There is no joy or sadness, no rich or poor, no Christian or Hindu. There is only light, light and love.
God bless you.

A sunny morning

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Days in Nepal start early and finish late. Busy are the people here. Working, cooking, family, friends, no time for laziness. But some days are specials and this one filled my heart with beauty and happiness.
It’s five in the morning, I open my eyes to the sound of Belinda’s voice : « It’s time, they are coming ». We all get ready in silence, some minds are still sleepy in the house, five o’ clock it’s really early! Mornings are fresh now, winter is slowly coming and bring nice shivers, giving to my body a shot of energy, waking me up for the rest of the day.
Friends arrived, the motorbikes are ready, let’s have some adventure! Wind runs on my face, feeling the world : today we are going to the hill. « Rajā Rani » – King and Queen in Nepali – is the name of this place we are heading to. I repeat a few times this new words that just taught me Sanjay, my lovely driver but learning is difficult and I will forget a few seconds later, much more attentive of what’s going on around me. The view of the mountains, the light coming up, the colors of the fields, the shapes of the houses, the smiles on the faces. The sun rises and spreads its light on the valley, we stop on the way up to enjoy this few magical seconds : good morning Letang, good morning world.
At the top, we sit and have a tea before the walk. Around us people already started their daily duties. Girls are filling bottles, packed in the « straw bags » that they put on their head, boys are leading the buffalos to the fields. The guys talk together. I love watching them talking, trying to guess something in the body language more than in the unknown words . At some point their hands move and I understand that they are talking about the ride up, the rest stays mysterious. From here we walk, the paths traces its way between the trees and leads us to a little temple surrounded by lakes and flowers. Peaceful is probably the perfect word to describe this place. We arrive in time for the pujā and we are welcome to participate. We walk around the temple and watch curiously the monk starting the ceremony. Salt and colors are put on specific places, bells are shook, encents and candles are light. We can come inside and the boys give us some indications of what we have to do. Quickly and unsure we knee and pray, it’s time for a wish and then to receive the tika from the monk. On the way back I give a last look to the temple, I still don’t understand rituals but bells are still echoing in my head and a warm feeling fills my heart. Thanks to welcome me in your holy place, to give some new colors to my faith.
It’s still early but our busy friends have lots to do and after a snack at the tea house we climb one more time on the bikes and ride down the hill. Wind runs on my face, Letang is gorgeous. This is a special day, like yesterday, like tomorrow. Hey you! Open your eyes, five o’ clock is not so early to see the world and all its beauty!

Rangi-Changi Janatā

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Words are great, they are infinite. You can learn new ones every day, you can learn new languages and talk to people. You can play with them and make people laugh with. You can put them together and sometimes it become beautiful or philosophical sentences. Some of them will stay in your mind forever, will give a rhythm to your daily life. Some are difficult to remember or to pronounce ; some are soft, cute, funny, some other can be hard, sad, hurtful. With words you can be connected to people, luckily even the ones from the other part of the world. And most important, with words, in every languages, you can say « I love you ».
I love writing, I can express my feelings and ideas, sometimes boiling in my head. You can read them or ignore them, it doesn’t matter, this words just needed to go out of my mind, to taste to freedom, to travel and settle down for a while on this paper.

Today, my words tell a story, the story of the day where I choose the word « action ». I decided to change « I will be » , « I want to do » for « I’m » and « I’m doing ». It’s not easy to know what we want to do – and it’s probably why some times we are stuck in an endless talk – but I had a tiny idea : I wanted to help. « Help » is a good word and can be good act in many ways. It can be when I’m listening to you when you are sad or grumpy my friend ; it can be when I’m changing my own behaviors to respect myself or the others or it can simply be when I’m smiling to you, stranger in the street. The only law with « help » is that you have to give without expectation to have it back and it’s not that difficult! Helping is not -like we can say in french- « a drop in the ocean » because once you are starting to walk on this path, you are part of this path, you are completing this path. It’s not a drop in the ocean, it is the ocean. The simplest act of help fill your heart of knowledge. I know. I know that helping is not useless, even if it’s just a smile or just a word.

I so started my journey, my traveling-helping project. Life brought me here, in Nepal ; here in Letang where I’m giving some of my time for this organization who bring art and creativity to the children in the schools. Here I learnt many new words and one of the first ones have been « rangi-changi » : « colorful » because we believe that « Where there is color, there is hope », and because it express more than only « colors », it express « happiness », « fun » and « smile » too. We repeat this words every day at school and it was the perfect ones to describe the people that I love, the people that I meet, the people who give to this world and it’s the reason why it’s my personal project’s name.
Later on, I read again my last article. I wrote it to say « I love you »-(words as much important to perform that to say) – to my friends, to the people, to the world. Life is surprising and reading again this article, I found those words : « with all our colors we will do a beautiful painting » then I knew at this exact time that « Rangi-Changi » was meant to be. I was meant to be here, with WatersFromHeaven, in Letang to start this new journey.

Yesterday at school the kids were happy, playing, painting, drawing, laughing and shouting all together… « Rangi-Changi ». « Rangi-changi » are my words, are who I’m. And you? Who are you?

Where is Letang?

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Where is Letang? A good question! At first I mixed it with Langtang (north east from Kathmandu) and I was a bit disappointed as I was thinking that the further away from Kathmandu I would be the more I could experience the  »real » Nepal. I don’t know what is the  »real » Nepal, I was not expecting anything but I wanted to travel there. And I don’t say that Kathmandu is fake or lost its culture, I’m just not a city person and not a good tourist either. So, when I knew that Letang (and not Langtang) was near the Indian border, far east Nepal,  »somewhere here » told me Belinda, pointing a blank area on my guide’s map, I started to be really excited.
The bus was standing in front of us with its  »Deluxe » inscription but before we go we had time for a last snack bought from the street seller. Happy to have some foreign customers he gave us many more spicy fried balls that I asked for and that my stomach could contain! No worries, food is a culture I don’t have problem at all to discover and to enjoy!
It’s time to go and it took us many hours to reach the border of Kathmandu Valley, finally leaving the never-ending noisy and colorful buzzing of the city. There was a time when a lake was standing there a friend told me while I was giving a last look to the capital…
The road turned behind the hill and the landscape changed completely, almost shocking! Green, green everywhere, ever green, my eyes couldn’t stop looking around, craving for this new places I could see, for this simplicity and purity of this wilderness. It’s where I’m feeling alive, where I have to be, where I have to go, Nepal I’m coming! The sun is going down and I tried to capture as much as I could during the day time ; but night time had its charm too. Sometimes you could guess the shapes of the mountains around, lightly drawn by the moon aura. And crossing the villages, the small houses looked like theater stages where daily life was happening but that your eyes couldn’t catch because of the speed of the bus. Indian music was loud in the bus but matched perfectly with traveling on this bumpy jumpy roads and with my joy to discover this country. I fell asleep but my eyes kept continuing to open at some time, wanting to know more about what is outside and where we are. Finally the light came up again, the music stopped and after a last ride through the mystic jungle we arrived in Letang, place of all our adventures. Thirteen hours trip, a mix between being tired and excited, we just needed a first tea to start this first day and a bit longer to realize : here we are!
The local friends are welcoming and they guided us to go to the guesthouse, on the way people looked at us with surprising eyes and smiles, who are they? Who are we? Tourist? Travelers? Helpers? Probably a bit of lots of things or nothing of it. Anyway let’s choose  »neighbour » because we are going to stay here for a while and we are going to know you.
Still now, I don’t exactly know where is Letang but it doesn’t matter anymore because here we are far from the use of street names, maps and direction boards ; here you can only be close to people, you smile, you laugh making big gestures to describe what you want, you take your time and you go for it! Namaste Letang!

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One year

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I love people. It hasn’t be like this all the time. When I was a kid, I used to hate people. People was the reason of my suffering and I was only able to see all the bad things they were doing in this world. I didn’t want to be part of it. I often wished to transform into a flower and shining over the sun or into a free lion running like mad in the vast wilderness. I felt old at that time, sometimes I even wanted to disappear, too tired of what I could see around me. But something, something always whispered me to be brave, to fight. I didn’t know why or what but I knew that one day it would change. Life was in my veins and was desperately shouting to be considered.
Letting express the true self can be something really difficult as it ask lots of patience and acceptance. It means as well being ready to break chains, to jump out of our comfort zone and give up on lots of things that your friends, your family, society and yourself are expecting from you.
One year ago, when I started to travel, I decided to look for this true myself, to let it exist. I didn’t know that what I will find on my way was even more beautiful. Because on this personal path, I found you. I found you : people! You are beautiful, you have so much to say, to express. You have so much in you, you reach the infinity of possibilities! And everybody is different, so particular and unique! And yes we are capable of such horrors because we want to be the one who is right ; passionate, we want to convince the others that the world has to be like this and not different.. But if we stop just two seconds to gaze at each other – try it : just look in the eyes your friend or your neighbor in the bus – the only reaction you will have is simply to smile. And it’s why we are all the same as well, because when you smile, you are beautiful, and when you smile back to me I love you. I want to know you and share with you, I believe we are meant to be connected, all together with all our differences, all our colors we will do a beautiful painting.
Finally after one year traveling I know where is my place in this world, I know where I’m going. I’m coming to see you beautiful people, running like a free lion and shining like a flower. I m already with you and I will be here for you for the rest of my life.

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